I meant to post this as my first post but somehow just never did. Sorry my queen and fellow knights, it’s going to be a long and superly boring ride….

Has anyone of you been in love with someone you know you can never have for a long long time? For me, it had been so long that I’ve almost lost count of the numbers of years I had been secretly in love with someone. Let’s just call him X.

Well, I met this guy in army. He is really a suave guy that really got my attention even though the place is literally raining with men. However, I know that he is untouchable since he is obviously straight. I guess gay people somehow have this tendency to fall for straight guys and that always spelt a disaster for us. Still, I found myself falling into something I should never have. It is funny because I always told my friends that for me, communication is the most important thing and the fact that he and I hardly communicated is saying something. Yet, everytime I see him, my heart just miss a beat and I lost track of what I am saying.

He was my superior in army and of course got to order me around. Perhaps, he noticed me looking at him, perhaps he knew that I have a crush on him, he started to sort of single me out. I guess good looking guys like him that literally have girls (and most probably guys) swooning over him are used to such things and they will know. I also know from the start that he is somebody far away that I could never have but perhaps humans are really strange creatures.

The thing that you can never have, you want it more.

Anyway, so he started giving me these strange stares, asking me strange questions and even placed his arm around my shoulders while talking to me. I knew he most probably wanted to out me and thus, I did not want to be played along. I was careful of the ways I answer his questions and also how I acted in front of him as I do not want myself to be make a laughing stock in front of the whole platoon. I know how homophobic some people are (especially if they happened to be in a religion he is in) and how happy they can get to make fun of them (especially if they know they also happen to have a crush on them).

But, deep down, my heart almost stops when he talks to me with those stares from his eyes and time freezes when he placed his arm around my shoulders for the first time.

In the end, something happened and I thought I will never see him again. But few months later, I saw him again. This time, I was even all the more stronger in my actions and I acted totally aloof because I do not want myself to be hurt even though I was practically thinking of him all this while. I guess he was shock with my actions coz he genuinely looked shocked when I ignored him.

I thought I have won by not succumbing to his silly actions but I guess I had lost miserably.

It had been a few years since I last saw him in person, that is. Yet, I still think of him (which is why I failed). Sometimes, I wonder if I am really too paranoid and perhaps he did really like me. And as these thoughts ran through you mind, you tend to forget you are supposed to forget this person. Thus, u started to google for him to find out answers. Then you find yourself really hurt because your instincts are correct. And then you know you actually lost terribly because you find yourself more attracted to him.

The human mind is really strange.

From the quotes from Brokeback Mountain “I wish I know how to quit you”.

Anyway, the post is getting too long… Sorry to bore anyone. But perhaps I might write down what I wanted to write to him in another post.